a gay black woman's discovery of her jewish self

Attachment Parenting, Self-Weaning & Other Hippie-Dippy Mommy Stuff

Posted on: May 14, 2012

It’s no secret that I’m ready to have a baby.  I’ve got baby on the brain.  So much so that I randomly ask male friends of mine if they would be willing to entertain the idea co-parenting with my partner and I.

SCREECH!  Hold up, what did I just stumble upon.  If that’s what you’re thinking then you didn’t read the name of my blog.  It’s a homo blog, a gay blog, a big ole lezzy blog.  Oh yeah.  It’s also a black blog and a Jewish blog.  I talk about Black Gay Jewish stuff.  If any of that bothers you, this is where you stop reading.

Back to my quest for sperm.  Jewish sperm would be great, biracial Jewish sperm would be even better-Lenny Kraviz, are you reading?  I’ve got a few nice Jewish boys in my back pocket just in case I can’t find any Black Jewish or biracial Jewish sperm.  Thing is, I’m one of those lesbians.  The kind of lesbian that wants babies and is unashamed of wanting them.  The kind that randomly asks guy friends for sperm.  Kinda like Tina and Bette in season one of the L Word, minus the West Hollywood house (and money).  At thirty-two years old my biological clock is not just ticking it’s a jack hammer that is constantly drilling in my brain and makes my ovaries hurt every time I see a child.  I’ve had to stop myself from picking up random children from their carriages in the grocery store.  I have to resist the urge to scoop up toddlers on wobbly legs running innocently in front of their parents chatting down Court Street in Brooklyn.  Seriously, I’ve thought of stealing children.  Well, not stealing stealing, just sort of picking them up and running away with them.  Only, I really want to give birth.  In a really hippie dippy way-In my house squatting on a ball naked with my girlfriend, my midwife and doula.

When I saw Ricki Lake’s documentary The Business of Being Born I knew that was the kind of birth that I wanted.  I even have a midwife and doulas (birth and post-birth) selected.  I’ve read (okay I tried to read it but it made my head hurt) Mayim Bialik’s book on attachment parenting and when I saw the latest Time Magazine cover I wasn’t shocked or appalled.  I thought awwww that’s so cute.  Okay that’s a lie I thought the mom was pretty hot, but I also loved her conviction in extended breast feeding and self-weaning.  After looking up her blog and reading about her experience with nursing not only her biological son but her transracially adopted son, I loved her more.  And wanted a baby even more.

Women have been blessed with the ability to not only give life, but to sustain life.  Our breasts aren’t solely the objects of sexual satisfaction for men or our partners, they’re made for giving nutrients.  It’s strange that human beings are the only species that drinks another animal’s milk-yet that’s considered “normal” and breastfeeding a child who’s “too old” isn’t.  For generations wet nurses cared for women who couldn’t nurse or were to privileged too nurse.  One of my favorite scenes in Babies was when the child in Africa crawls over to his mother and started nursing while she was going along with her normal business.  Children need to nurse, women (mothers) are designed to give them the food that they need, yet our society has taught us that when a child has teeth, when a child can crawl or walk or ask for it, they’re too old.

I don’t have kids and I don’t know how or if my feelings will change when I do, but I hope to be the kind of mother that nurses her children until they are finished nursing.  This isn’t to say that mothers who choose differently are wrong or bad mothers, I respect their choices.  The problem comes when we as women start putting other women down instead of building one another up and showing our support and our solidarity.

My partner knows good and well how badly I want a child and hopefully in the next year or so we’ll start trying.  We’ve been together for four years and are only now planning on moving in with one another.  While I don’t subscribe to the idea that one needs to be married before having a child, I do want to have a Big Ole Gay Jewish wedding, though if I’m being honest I hope to have a child before the big wedding day.  Why?  Because society has scared me into thinking that I’m running out of time!  It’s hard enough, I’m told, for a woman with endless supplies of bio juice from her husband to conceive past the mid-thirties, but take out readily available bio juice and it gets harder and harder-not to mention more expensive.  Which is how I turned into the lesbian that asks innocent male friends for their bio juice.  It’s not a good look, I know.  It scares people and truthfully, it scares me.  Who am I?  How did I turn into the woman who has her birthing plan and parenting style all figured out and just needs one small (important) piece to the family puzzle?

I blame Kveller 🙂

My momma guru, Mayim Bialik was all over the television over the weekend.  Check it out here.



9 Responses to "Attachment Parenting, Self-Weaning & Other Hippie-Dippy Mommy Stuff"

Beautifully written!! You are going to be a great mommy!!

Aww Thanks Brooke

I love this post, Erika – it’s so hilarious and compassionate and smart! I totally support your hippie-dippy mommy aspirations. <3<3<3

I think part of the problem in this country we sexualize EVERYTHING. So a three year old on his mother’s breast somehow seems sexual to a lot of people, even if they don’t want to admit it. But of course it isn’t and they are the one who have an issue.

You’re not the only one who feels scared by society. I’m 27 and still already feeling the urge to backwards plan. “Well… if I want my third kid by 35, and my second by 33, and my first by 31, I should be married by 30, which means I should get engaged by 29, which means I should move in by 28…. holy poo, that’s six months from now. I’m screwed.” Sometimes I really resent female biology–why can’t our fertile years start later and thus extend later into life? Why can’t our society better match our biological limits?

Also, I spit Diet Coke out my nose when I read bio-juice. I always enjoy a new euphemism.

Oh. P.S. You’re going to be an awesome mom. Don’t let anyone tell you differently. And especially not because you’re a lesbian. F that.

Thanks for all of the love, ladies!

I’m not usually one to comment on things, but there are a lot of aspects of this post, and the topic of motherhood, in general, that sort of compelled me to comment. Warning: it might be a little long 😛

First of all, I completely understand how you feel when you see children. I don’t know if children will happen for me or should happen for me, but I have always wanted them, and as I get older my ovaries ache more and more each time I see a child. Secondly, you’re going to be an awesome mom! No question! My last point is related to the TIME cover itself, and what I feel is an overarching issue. I was not offended with the picture of a mother, her child, and a natural act. I was somewhat troubled with the question posed in big letters, “Are you Mom Enough?” Whatever the context of that question, it touches on an issue that you mentioned…women not supporting women, moms not supporting moms. Almost every mom I know constantly questions if she’s a good enough mom, and asking that question in such a way can feel antagonistic. People make different decisions about how they have and raise children for different reasons. Having been surrounded by children from my siblings to the clinical work I have done with children and their parents, my feeling is as long as parents are genuinely doing what they know to do in the best interests of their children, there should be support and not judgement or condescension. Unfortunately, there are really mothers and parents out there, who do not have their children’s interest at heart. Not that they should be judged, but they can help us be be appreciative of the parents, who love their children and are trying. From what I have seen and understand, there is no manual for raising kids that ensures any true guarantees.

Okay, I have more to say, but I’ll stop. I really enjoy reading your entries, Erika, and I especially enjoyed this one 🙂

[…] Y-Love, please read this blog post and get back to […]

I want kids too, Erika!I Have a question or two I’d want to ask but I’ll ask those privately…otherwise, you’d be a great mother and I’d want to babysit your kid(s) all the time! 🙂

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