a gay black woman's discovery of her jewish self

Why’d I Open My Big Mouth?

Posted on: October 25, 2010

Hey There readers!  I’m back from Ohio and into the groove of NYC life again.  It doesn’t matter if I’m gone for one day or one week I can always snap back to reality when I touch down in New York.  The traffic is actual traffic as opposed to some small little delay on the express way.  Strolling is reserved for the pleasant streets of Ditmas Park only, not even Central Park, and the knowledge that you’re one of millions of people on a teeny tiny island much smaller than an actual state is comforting and maddening at the same time.

Yes, Mirs and I survived Meeting the Parents and it went well!  I also outed myself (again) to my parents regarding my Judaism, well my Mom.  She pulled a Mc Cain (or was it Bush) and told me I was a “flip-flopper” with my religion as a child and said that she still expects Christmas presents.  I was put off by the “flip-flop” statement and assured her that I would, indeed, send Christmas presents as long as she remembered my Chanukkah presents. 

On my long commute into the city this morning, because of a delayed train rather than an actual long commute, I checked my Blackberry reminders and noticed that Next Wednesday I’m giving my talk, “Black, Gay and Jewish” for Be’chol Lashon.  I’ve sort of been putting it off because I’m having some reservations about the whole deal.  It’s not the public speaking thing.  I’ve got 4 years of high school speech and drama and 2 years of theater in college, not to mention my ability to talk to anyone about anything with ease-it’s not the public speaking that has me concerned.  It’s the fact that I’m not a Jew yet.  Sure, I can tell everyone until I’m blue in the face that I feel Jewish and the fact of the matter is that I am not yet a Jew.  I normally don’t have a problem talking about Judaism and the many varying reasons I’ve decided to convert but I’ll be giving a structured talk about my gayness to a room full of Jews. 

What if they read Torah as is and truly believe that I’m sinning?  What if they’re republicans and think that my right to marriage isn’t as important because I’m not a real couple in the eyes of God.  What if they resent anything that I say because I will say it with conviction, yet lack the time, frustrations, anger, joy, and happiness that is being a Jew of Color.  What if they just don’t like me?

I know what I want to talk about (I think) and I know what how I want to structure it (I’m pretty sure)  I’m planning on showing a movie clip (reminder to fix Netflix que) and I wanted to talk to other LGBT Jews but sadly, no one answered my plea.

So I’ve got 16 days to finalize everything, including a read-through with supportive friends a week prior.  I’m feeling good, for the most part, but the rest of me is scared shitless.  (That’s the New York in me)

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